Amusing letter to Dr. Laura

Or: literal interpretation can get you in big trouble:)

 

 

On  her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an  observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an  abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot  be condoned under any circumstance.  The following  response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by  a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.   It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear  Dr. Laura:     Thank  you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s  Law.  I have learned a great deal from your show,  and try to share that knowledge with as many people as  I can.  When someone tries to defend the  homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind  them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an  abomination … End of debate.     I do need  some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of  God’s Laws and how to follow them.

                       1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male  and female, provided they are purchased from  neighboring nations.  A friend of mine claims  that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.   Can you clarify?  Why can’t I own  Canadians?

2. I  would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned  in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you  think would be a fair price for her?

3.  I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she  is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:  19-24.  The problem is how do I tell?  I  have tried asking, but most women take  offense.

4. When  I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know  it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9.   The problem is my neighbors.  They  claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I  smite them?

5. I  have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.   Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to  death.  Am I morally obligated to kill  him myself, or should I ask the police to do  it?

6. A  friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish  is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination  than homosexuality.  I don’t agree.  Can you  settle this?  Are there ‘degrees’  of abomination?

7. Lev.  21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I  have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I  wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or  is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most  of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the  hair around their temples, even though this  is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they  die?

9. I  know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a  dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if  I wear gloves?

10. My  uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19  by planting two different crops in the same field, as  does his wife by wearing garments made of two  different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).   He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.   Is it really necessary that we go to all  the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone  them? Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn’t we just burn them to  death at a private family affair, like we do with  people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.  20:14)

I know  you have studied these things extensively and  thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m  confident you can help.   Thank  you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal  and unchanging.

Your adoring  fan.

James M.  Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,  Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special  Education University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we  couldn’t own a Canadian đŸ™‚

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