Archive for March, 2011

Fw: Breaking: Syrian Cabinet resigns

March 29, 2011

Sent: March 29, 2011 07:58 AM
Subject: Breaking: Syrian Cabinet resigns

Los Angeles Times
Breaking news

Syria’s Cabinet resigns amid protests

Syria’s state-run television said Tuesday that the nation’s Cabinet has resigned amid the worst unrest there in decades.
The resignation is the latest concession by the government aimed at countering more than a week of mass protests.
President Bashar Assad is expected to soon announce that he is lifting a hated emergency law and moving to annul other harsh restrictions on civil liberties and political freedoms.

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Chernobyl 20 years on. NSFW

March 29, 2011

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ELK TOWN

March 27, 2011
  SHOWDOWN IN ELK TOWN….ESTES PARK COLORADO….

 

 


 

 

 

 

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Colonoscopy – hysterical

March 27, 2011
This is so hysterical even if you’ve read it before…

 

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read.  If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can’t miss this one!


ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of  America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).. Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’ This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.  After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.

I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies….  Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5. ‘You know, in  Arkansas, we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’ 

 12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all: 

 13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’ 
 

 

 

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Support Senator Patrick Leahy’s “Respect for Marriage Act”

March 26, 2011
While many states have legalized same-sex marriages, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) prevents the federal government from recognizing these unions as they would a marriage between a man and a woman. This unequal treatment must end now.

Last month Attorney General Eric Holder announced that the Justice Department will no longer defend the constitutionality of DOMA in court on the grounds that it denies married same-sex couples equal protection under the law. This gives us a huge opportunity to repeal DOMA once and for all.

Join me in supporting Senator Patrick Leahy’s “Respect for Marriage Act” to repeal DOMA and ensure the federal government recognizes legally-valid same sex marriages!

Take action here:

http://leahy.convio.net/site/Advocacy?pagename=homepage&id=173&s_subsrc=fw

Thanks.

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President Barack Obama : Libya

March 26, 2011

Sent: March 26, 2011 09:05 AM
Subject: Libya

The White House, Washington
 

Good morning,

I’m writing today with an update on the situation in Libya, including the actions we’ve taken with allies and partners to protect the Libyan people from the brutality of Moammar Qaddafi. For further details, please take a moment to watch this morning’s Weekly Address:

<a href="http://links.whitehouse.gov/track?type=click&enid=bWFpbGluZ2lkPTIwMTEwMzI2Ljg1NDA3MSZtZXNzYWdlaWQ9TURCLVBSRC1CVUwtMjAxMTAzMjYuODU0MDcxJmRhdGFiYXNlaWQ9MTAwMSZzZXJpYWw9MTI3Njc3NzIwNiZlbWFpbGlkPVBlcmV6NjFAd2luZHN0cmVhbS5uZXQmdXNlcmlkPVBlcmV6NjFAd2luZHN0cmVhbS5uZXQmZmw9JmV4dHJhPU11bHRpdmFyaWF0ZUlkPSYmJg==&&&100&&&amp;http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2011/03/26/weekly-address-military-mission-lib…” style=”COLOR: #336699;”>Watch the Video

Sending our brave men and women in uniform into harm’s way is not a decision I make lightly. But when someone like Qaddafi threatens a bloodbath that could destabilize an entire region, it is in our national interest to act.  In fact, it’s our responsibility.

Our mission in Libya is clear and focused — and we are succeeding.

Along with our allies and partners, we are enforcing the mandate of the United Nations Security Council.  Working with other countries, we have put in place a no-fly zone and other measures that will help prevent further violence and brutality. Qaddafi’s air defenses have been taken out, and his forces are no longer advancing across Libya.

As a consequence of our quick action, the lives of countless innocent civilians have been saved, and a humanitarian catastrophe has been avoided.

The role of American forces in this mission is limited. After providing unique capabilities at the beginning, we are now handing over control of the no-fly zone to our NATO allies and partners, including Arab partners like Qatar and the United Arab Emirates.

The United States has also joined with the international community to deliver urgent humanitarian assistance.  We’re offering support to the Libyan opposition and have frozen tens of billions of dollars of Qaddafi’s assets.

Our message to Qaddafi is clear: attacks against innocent civilians must end, his forces must be pulled back, humanitarian aid must reach Libyans in need, and those responsible for the violence in Libya must be held accountable.

The progress we’ve made over the past seven days demonstrates how the international community should work, with many nations, not just the United States, bearing the responsibility and cost of upholding international law.

Every American can be proud of the service of our men and women in uniform who have once again stood up for our interests and ideals.  And as we move forward, I will continue to keep each of you fully informed on our progress.

Sincerely,

Barack Obama
President of the United States

P.S. On Monday evening at 7:30 p.m. EDT, I will deliver an address at the National Defense University in Washington, DC on the situation in Libya. You can watch the speech live at <a href="http://links.whitehouse.gov/track?type=click&enid=bWFpbGluZ2lkPTIwMTEwMzI2Ljg1NDA3MSZtZXNzYWdlaWQ9TURCLVBSRC1CVUwtMjAxMTAzMjYuODU0MDcxJmRhdGFiYXNlaWQ9MTAwMSZzZXJpYWw9MTI3Njc3NzIwNiZlbWFpbGlkPVBlcmV6NjFAd2luZHN0cmVhbS5uZXQmdXNlcmlkPVBlcmV6NjFAd2luZHN0cmVhbS5uZXQmZmw9JmV4dHJhPU11bHRpdmFyaWF0ZUlkPSYmJg==&&&101&&&amp;http://whitehouse.gov/live?utm_source=email103&utm_medium=ps&utm_camp…” style=”COLOR: #336699;”>WhiteHouse.gov/live.

 

 
 

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Cell phone rudeness, NSFW

March 24, 2011

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Tell Your Governor to Protect Women’s Health Care in Your State

March 23, 2011
I just took action by telling my Governor to protect women’s health care in my state, and I hope you will, too.

On March 23, 2010, the President signed the Affordable Care Act into law changing the lives of millions of women and their families across this country. And states have an important role to play in shaping how the law is implemented. But some Governors have decided to play politics with our health care and are working against implementing the health care law in a meaningful way, which will harm the health of women and their families throughout their state.

The new health care law puts an end to insurance companies treating women like a pre-existing condition. Already, the law is helping women and their families by making it illegal for insurance companies to drop people once they get sick, prohibiting insurers from denying coverage to kids with pre-existing conditions, and ensuring new health plans provide no-cost preventive health care services, such as mammograms and pap smears.

We can’t go back. Don’t let some of our Governors refight the same old political wars and give control over your health care back to insurance companies, it’s time for us to move forward.

Please help us by calling on your Governor to protect women’s health care by implementing the health care law in a meaningful way.

To take action on this issue, click on the link below:
http://action.nwlc.org/site/Advocacy?s_oo=d3qYdrTej4KyOo34JC8jDA..&id=631 If the text above does not appear as a link or it wraps across multiple lines, then copy and paste it into the address area of your browser.
If you no longer wish to receive email messages sent from your friends on behalf of this organization, please follow the link below:
http://action.nwlc.org/site/TellFriendOpt?action=optout&toe=f0e1a505ce847d8fd…

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Definitely NSFW Adult Humor

March 23, 2011

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Mardi Bras!!!!!!!!

March 17, 2011

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